By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Our marriage is not perfect; our partner can not fulfill all of our needs (yet may fill many); our children are not the reflected best aspects of ourselves -- and neither should they be.
The goal is for "Good Enough," and I mean that in a psychological sense, not in a tepid, adequate, "Oh, who cares anyway!"
Gottman, who runs the Love Lab in Seattle and has written a bunch of books about couples and parenting, finds in his extensive research that we need a ratio of 5:1 of good to poor interactions to have a happy and sustainable marriage. That means that we are kind and treat our partner well five times for every one time we blow it; when we say or do an interaction poorly (however, this is not free rein to be an asshole one out of five times).
While we relish good times, and peak experiences may be good for our soul, intimacy is often built from difficulties that we have gotten through together. Weight lifting or exercise might not always be fun or feel good at the time, yet it does build muscle and strength.
Intimacy is built over time, through fun, through a sexual relationship, and through handling challenges well together. So while no one wants cracks, we do want intimacy. So let in the light, together.