By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Sally and Richard have been married for 22 years. They met in 1992, on a blind date set up by her brother. They began dating right away and married 11 months later.
One of the biggest problems they've worked on, and continue to work on is more effective communication. This is not surprising, as it is the number one reason couples call for counseling ? communication. Yet what I hear in this marriage is the verb "working." Working on a relationship is what it takes to be happy and healthy, and to keep growing as each person grows and changes with the stages of life and experiences had.
A portion of the interview is:
Does this sound familiar: One person retreats when the other becomes "loud" or uses a "tone" OR one becomes loud because the other has retreated? We call this a wave/island or pursuer/distancer interaction. Which of these do you see yourself as? How do you deal with this?
Yes, Sally answers, this interaction happens. She handles it by taking a break if possible and waiting until she has some space from her strong feelings. Then she can discuss the situation with Richard.
Sally's tips for couples are:
1. Look for the good in my husband every day.
2. Keep a sense of humor.
3. Keep a sense of perspective when challenges come up.