By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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While it is both impractical and unethical to have a side business selling double beds, it is also very tempting. I see a smaller bed as a tool for you to improve your relationship.
Here are snippets from couples about big beds:
I am lonely.
We are disengaged.
My cat/dog sleeps between us.
Our child(ren) sleep between us.
We sleep as far apart as the bed will allow.
I wish we cuddled in bed.
I wish s/he would hold me in bed.
I don't know how to cross the desert of our bed.
Do any of these ring true for you? Is this how you see it? What does the big bed mean to each of you? What are the literal and symbolic stories of the gap between you?
Here are snippets from couples about smaller beds:
I like us being wrapped around each other at night.
I like being regulated as we sleep.
I like sleeping close and then turning in different ways.
Bed is "home" with you.
Bed is for:
Touch: contact; comfort; exploration; sexual; intimate.
Reading (at times).
Bed is not for TV or devices.
Are these end-all, be-all rules? Of course not. Yet you do need to talk about it. Each person needs space and to be solid in his or her own Self, own feelings, own needs. Some people are too hot, others too cold. There are many things to discuss. Being explicit about bed is as important as being explicit about each aspect of your lives.
What experiments would you like to try regarding bed?