By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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What's the one thing you say to yourself or to your partner that is consistently not useful? For example, complaining, criticizing, sarcasm, escalating, withholding . . .
Try this: get a loose bracelet, or one of those colorful rubber ones and put it on. Next time you notice yourself do the action, words or behavior (to yourself or your partner), move the bracelet to your other wrist.
Just notice. Please do not judge yourself. This is an exercise to help you increase your self-awareness. (This is not for you to track your partner, either!) Do you move the bracelet a couple of times a day? Several? Rarely?
How do you want to spend your time, energy, and power? Is this how? If so, keep it up. If not, try this: Ask yourself, "Where am I right now?" Look around and name in detail (to yourself) what you see, hear, smell, and feel. Locate yourself in this moment, on this day, in your own body.
In this moment, how do you want to treat yourself, your beloved?