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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Fierce Love

Uploaded: Feb 18, 2023
When I am advocating for my husband while he’s in hospital, I refer to it as ‘Fierce Love’. I will do pretty much anything for him while he cannot do it himself. Yesterday morning, three hours before visiting hours began, I kindly forced my way into the German hospital with an ice pack because he needed it.

Fortunately, I ended up being there when the doctor did her rounds. When I saw the incision, my first thought was, “Wow, what happened to the other guy?” Cliché, I know.

Another example of fierce love was during my husband’s cancer treatment in 2011 when the hospital pharmacy mixed up a $7000 bag of chemo meds that was a higher dose than we had agreed on with his doctor. I had to leave and go to work. I told them, “Please re-do it at the correct dose or we refuse chemo today.” Thank goodness they did because his reaction to the lower dose landed him in the hospital for six nights and he lost 25lbs. It’s the one time during the whole ordeal that he thought he might die. We try not to wonder too often what might have happened if he’d gotten more of that medication.

There’s a fine line between fierce love and controlling one’s partner. For me, it’s when my husband is unable to stand up or speak for himself. I occasionally use fierce love to help others in my life who are lacking the internal resources in a given situation. Then it is done with consent and with the intention to not only pave the way and do whatever it is together, but with the hope of teaching by example how to self-advocate.

On an off-topic note: I have been sleeping poorly here (no surprise); I often wake up after three hours and am wide awake. Last night I video called my 26-year-old son as he was getting off work. After talking for a bit, he read to me for 45 minutes. Then I was able to go back to sleep. I guess it’s true that what goes around, comes around.

My columns for you are a form of fierce love; my goal is to empower you to have a better marriage.

How do you enact fierce love on your beloved’s part?
What is it worth to you?


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