By Chandrama Anderson
Couples: "A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day."Uploaded: Jun 8, 2018
- Andre Maurois
I’m not sure that a marriage needs to be rebuilt every day, but it does need to be built every day. Are you thinking, “I don’t have time for that.” or “I don’t want to do that.” or “I don’t know how to do that.”?
It doesn’t need to be time consuming or difficult. You are in each others’ care.
Every decision you make has to be for you and for your marriage-simultaneously. Ask yourself, “Is this ________ good for my marriage?” If so, go for it. If not, don’t.
It’s often the little things in a marriage that builds intimacy and emotional connection.
You learn your beloved’s Love Language (quality time, gifts, touch, words of affirmation and acts of service) and give to her in that language (vs. your Love Language). Take the online quiz to determine these.
You place your relationship as your top priority—above kids and work. Kids are a close second. This allows you to provide a secure emotional roof over your kids’ heads and for them to learn what it is to be in a healthy adult relationship. You make it important to have work/life balance so you are not at work too much or thinking about work when you’re home. Practicing being present will help you be with your beloved when you are home. Just asking yourself: “Where am I right now?” brings you back to the present.
You talk about the hard stuff, as soon as you possibly can. Whether it’s money, sex, parenting, in-laws, and many other potential topics, couples don’t always see eye-to-eye. That’s to be expected: you grew up in different families and what you grew up with is “normal” to you. Both of you don’t share a “normal” so you have to figure things out. And you can as long as you can talk about these topics and come up with solutions that work for the two of you. There aren’t “right” answers, just what’s right for both of you.
You create your own rituals that honor your marriage. My husband and I have time before we go to sleep where we say nice things about the other (gratitude and appreciation), talk about our lives together (memories and dreams for the future), and sometimes just have laugh-time (we often don’t remember the laugh topic the next day, but that’s not what’s important).
You go on dates weekly; just the two of you and don’t talk about kids or work. Take turns planning these so you get a date you’ll enjoy and don’t stress about planning the right date for your partner. That way, every other week you’ll have a date you really love. Many couples don’t do this; they have no alone time. Or they always go out with friends. Do that too, but you need time for the two of you.
You take time off for vacations or weekend getaways. Take some of these alone. Swap kid-care with another family so they can go away alone. Or sometimes go with another family and trade off childcare so you can get alone time on the trip.
What ideas do you have for building your marriage every day?