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Original post made by anonymous, Danville, on May 10, 2010

So SRVHS Senior Ball is Saturday. And there are all these "after parties". Some are "sleepovers", some are not. My son wants to go to one. I want name, address and phone number so I can contact parents. He informs me parents won't be home, but if he gives me info and I call parents I will be blowing it for everyone (so I read between the lines parents don't know party is planned for their home). My thing is don't give me info - your not going. I do not condon/allow unsupervised teenage parties in my home. And I don't agree with parents that allow unsupervised parties where there is a 100% chance alcohol and drugs are present. I call these parents and inform them or do I ignore it and just don't let my son attend?

Comments (37)

Posted by nancy s
a resident of Danville
on May 10, 2010 at 9:33 pm

I would stand by your convictions. Call the parents, let them know what is planned for their home. If they don't have a problem with it, don't let your son go there. Too many alcohol/drug fueled parties that Danville parents allow.

Posted by SRVHS Dad
a resident of Danville
on May 11, 2010 at 6:09 pm

Consider this, the party goes on and someone is injured...What about if it was at your house, would you want your neighbor telling you? Figure out how to tell the homeowners/parents anonymously to preserve your son's reputation...

Posted by Marie
a resident of Danville
on May 11, 2010 at 10:59 pm

I am totally with Nancy S.

Telling the parents is the right thing to do. If they didn't know, they can take care of it. If they know & don't care, then you protected your son.

I would even go one step further, drive by after midnight & make sure everything is okay. If you see a problem, call the police & save someone else's child.

Posted by SRV Mom
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 12, 2010 at 5:47 am

What are people's thoughts on the parties where there is being alcohol served and the parents know about it? If you are one of these parents, what is your reasoning to do this other then the "I want to provide a safe enviroment for kids to drink". It's a party where you are promoting drinking to get drunk.

Posted by Nancy
a resident of Danville
on May 12, 2010 at 6:27 am

Yikes. Understand yor son's concern for you calling. Boy, he will look like the jerk of the year. If you tell the parents, make sure you child does not know. It's fairly easy to figure out where the party is without asking your child. Better yet, tell him he just can't go.

Posted by June D.
a resident of Danville
on May 12, 2010 at 7:56 am

I definitely would call the parents and inform them of their child's plans to have a sleep over party. This type of unsupervised event is an open invitation for trouble. If those parents really care enough, they will stay home. If your son has a good head on his shoulders, he won't look like the 'jerk of the year'...he will be a 'concerned friend'. Don't let your son go if the parents won't be home. If all else fails, have the party at your house and enlist like-minded friends to assist.

Posted by Alamo Resident
a resident of Alamo
on May 12, 2010 at 8:29 am

Please contact those parents --- they have no idea what will be going on in their home, and they will have all the liability if things go wrong. I once trusted my son, at 17, to stay home with a buddy because he was re-cuperating from a sports injury --- friends found out he was home --- Party Time!!! --- I have been finding out about that party many years after ---- I only wish someone had stepped up to tell me what was going on. Thankfully, no one was injured.

Posted by Member
a resident of Danville
on May 12, 2010 at 8:35 am

Tell the parents. I am pretty sure they will be criminally liable if anything bad happens whether they know about this party or not.

Posted by A Concerned Parent
a resident of Danville
on May 12, 2010 at 8:54 am

Chances are the parents know!! The issue is safety...if ONE student gets alcohol poisoning and dies...then what, lives are ruined forever, just talk to an ER person, it is happening every weekend! What parents do not get is even if you take away their keys, stuff happens. Make a deal with your son...tell him you will be picking him up at matter what, if that does not make him happy...OH WELL!! The problem in our area is the parents think it is OK to make their child popular. My son made it through High School without using drugs or alcohol (his choice) and he was in a popular group! It is very easy to go along with bad choices....but a challenge to be different in High School. Have a talk with him and explain your thoughts...plant the seed, if he is level headed he will get it!!

Posted by Danville mom
a resident of Danville
on May 12, 2010 at 9:12 am

Please please please call the parents. My son is now 25 and I phoned to check with the son to see if they would be home. They seemed surprised (to my surprise) but as stated earlier, this is not a popularity contest. My son understands (and understood then, though did not express it) that watching for his safety is an indication of parental love and caring for him and his buddies.

Posted by danville mom
a resident of Danville
on May 12, 2010 at 9:14 am

Sorry - to clarify my message, my son is now 25 and WHEN he was a senior at SRVHS I phoned the the PARENTS to see if they would be home for their son's party...

Posted by Steve
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 12, 2010 at 9:26 am

Call the parents.... Don't let your son go if no adults present..... The biggest fight I ever had with my oldest son was not letting him attend an unsupervised party when he was at SRVHS. He didn't talk to me for a week. We then had a very "loud" discussion about a range of things including trust. Bottom line to me and his mom.... NOT ON OUR WATCH.

Posted by Freckles
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 12, 2010 at 9:30 am

Cats out of the bag. You gotta do something. Believe me, the kids will find another venue if this one does not work out. If there is a will there is a way. Get involved!

Posted by jrm
a resident of Vista Grande Elementary School
on May 12, 2010 at 10:16 am

jrm is a registered user.

This is a "no brainer" responsible parent should allow their high school age son or daughter to participate in an unsupervised "sleep over"...helloo? My kids went to Monte Vista and I know of 2 parties of this type when the parents were at their second home in Tahoe and trusted their kids to do the right thing. Well, their kids were rather well behaved but their other friends went wild at the chance to party all night at someone else's house. Mu daughter got a call at 2:30 from one of the girls hosting the party, she was afraid, there were 30 kids at her house, trashing the Blackhawk house, throwing up and her Dad's Barry Bonds jersey was stolen as well as 2 autographed baseballs. My daughter went over to help clean up and tell the interlopers to go home before the parents came back. The other party was while the parents were at their second home in Napa...same drill. In both cases the parents "just wanted to get away for the weekend" and came home to a very unpleasant situation. At MV we knew who the parents were that facilitated drinking at their house and we did not allow our kids to linger long there.

Posted by MV mom
a resident of Danville
on May 12, 2010 at 10:55 am

We really need parents to ban together on this. Results can be tragic, and yes you can be held liable whether or not you were there. This last senior ball, an after party was held and I called and got responsibility firmly assigned and a pickup arranged. HOwever, the parents said I was only one of a very few who called and checked! I hear this a lot, when I call to verify events at friends houses...amazing.

Posted by Scott Gerbert
a resident of San Ramon
on May 12, 2010 at 2:08 pm

As the Coordinator for Safe- and Drug-Free School programs in the San Ramon Valley Unified School District, AND the parent of two Seniors and Sophomore at Cal High, I could not be prouder of the responses that I am reading. I personally coordinate and facilitate parent education nights community-wide on this topic throughout the year, and parent-to-parent communication is one of the primary action steps I encourage at these presentations. It is vital that parents work together and provide clear boundaries and expectations for our local youth. From middle school on, every parent should make these phone calls. You can call and say, "Thank you for hosting the party. Can my son bring anything?" "Will there be parents present for the entire party?" "Do you need any help chaperoning?" "Will there be alcohol allowed at the party?" Most, but not all parents, who get these calls and offers of support, are pleased and shocked. They are often surprised that more parents haven't called. If your son will not give you the name of the host, then it is okay to tell him “no”. You are the parents and it is okay to be the "bad guy" sometimes. Your son can simply say, "My mom/dad is such a jerk. They won't let me go unless they can talk to Johnny's parents. Since I won't tell them...I can't go." Your son can put the blame on you and still "look cool". Stay strong parents...and stay connected!

Posted by SRV Mom
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 12, 2010 at 2:37 pm

I agree with the above comments. Contact the parents. We still have a major problem in our community, parents giving alcohol to minors at parties. How do we deal with this?

Posted by Carolyn
a resident of Alamo
on May 12, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Thank you parents for confirming what this Anonymous parent knew all along. A Parent's job is tough, and sometimes the kids will hate you for awhile, but you know when they grow up they will realize you did a good job!

Posted by Danville Dad
a resident of Danville
on May 12, 2010 at 10:10 pm

Parenting is not a popularity contest and, regardless of any views you may have on creationism, you have to admit that Darwin made some good points. So stick by your guns and don't give him (Darwin) any more ammunition; sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind.

And any parent thinking of leaving the house to their teenager, for the weekend, needs to get a clue.

I liked Scott's comment:

"You are the parents and it is okay to be the "bad guy" sometimes. Your son can simply say, "My mom/dad is such a jerk. "

Steve's son's week of silence might have been a blessing in disguise.

As Carolyn says, take a firm stand with your kids and they are more likely to respect you in the morning, or at least when they have grown up.

Good luck!

Posted by Christine
a resident of Danville
on May 13, 2010 at 7:37 am

If you don't condone unsupervised parties, don't let your son go to one. If you don't allow them, you'd want to know if your son was planning one while you weren't there - so maybe these other paretns would want to know too. Offer to host an acohol/drug/sex free party at your house as a supervised alternative for your son and his friends. We did this last weekend following the MV Senior Ball as our son was concerned that there might be alcohol at the after party he would otherwise be invited to. We had sixteen kids, invited personally by our son and with a confirmed guest list ahead of time. We were there to keep out gate crashers (not a problem; everyone arrived together by bus). Our son planned activities - hot tub and fire pit, poker game, X-box LAN. We provided supper when they arrived and breakfast in the morning. We stayed up all night along with the kids, around and about not just away from them in another room. It was a pleasure to have them over - though we felt a little jet lagged for a couple of days afterwards!

Posted by Member
a resident of Blackhawk
on May 13, 2010 at 8:49 am

I'm encouraged by these responses! Just to go one step further, even IF this party was supervised by parents the fact is we can assume they will eventually retire for the night and/or spend the majority of time in another room in the house. Parents have got to get a clue. The entire idea of a co-ed sleep over is a license to our children to engage in much more than illegal alcohol and drugs. No decent parent of daughter would EVER allow this and I would hope the same could be said for those raising young men.

Posted by Sarah
a resident of Danville
on May 13, 2010 at 8:59 am

My guess is that the parents know about the party. It's hard for me to imagine that parents would go out of town the night of their child's senior ball. I would not only call the parents, I would also inform the police about the party.

Posted by MV Mom
a resident of Monte Vista High School
on May 13, 2010 at 9:45 am

It's SOOOOOOOOOO refreshing to hear from Danville parents who call the parent host to confirm a teen party (yeah mom of 25 y.o.!!!)and actually supervise a party like they say they will!(great job Christine!) I have the impression that many of the parents in this area "turn a blind eye" to the activities of their teens so that the parent feels "cool" and popular with their child's friends. My teens think I am too strict...but I wouldn't be doing "my job" as a mother if I didn't check up on my kids. (Call parent to confirm party, drive by the party, occasionally search kid's car and bedroom, check out their facebook and texts, not be so gullible as to believe everything my kid's tell me, keep prescription drugs locked away and only have a few beers or 1 bottle wine in my frig-I got rid of the rest of the alcohol, why tempt them? and not tolerate marijuana use-this new stuff is much stronger than it was in the 70's/80's) Here's my definition of a teenager: person between the ages of 13-19 who WILL experiment and lie on occasion. I don't care how good your kid is, they WILL lie. (Let's get real...didn't you ever lie when you were that age?)
I try hard to be proactive...I know my kids will make mistakes...heck, I WANT them to make (little) mistakes so they learn...but if we parents ALL get wiser and tougher, together we can prevent another precious teen from "over-experimenting" with alcohol, marijuana, salvia, prescription drugs, inhalants, etc.

Posted by alyson
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 13, 2010 at 10:27 am

yeah.... it is refreshing to see all of this dialogue!! please keep the communication going, it is so important for us to empower each other by not sweeping things under the carpet and thinking that nothing will happen. we are not here to be our kids "best friend" at this stage of the game, we are not here to perpetuate that they have to be "most popular" kid in school. we are here to ensure the safety of these precious lives. make the call, use m.v. parent christine as an example (hosting what looked like a really fun and sober evening).
it takes a village!

Posted by Marie
a resident of Danville
on May 13, 2010 at 11:56 am

These last 3 comments are right on! The parents probably do know about this party & want to be their child's friend rather than their parent or are trying to make their child more popular by having a party. There have been way too many times that I have run into Danville parents who break rules and laws in front of their kids. Parents need to be good role models and I don't see that enough here in Danville. There is nothing wrong with asking questions and monitoring your kids. These comments have been very reassuring. Let's all continue to protect each other!

Posted by SRVH mom
a resident of Alamo
on May 13, 2010 at 12:45 pm

I feel the parents have to be notified but understand the stigma for your son. Perhaps you could call a third party (i.e. school VP since it is a school function, or police) and let them tell the parents what they have heard.

Posted by Monte Vista parent
a resident of Alamo
on May 13, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Great comments - everyone please say a quick prayer for all our teenagers, that they will make good choices, through all the Senior events, graduation and the upcoming summer vacation.

M.V. had their Senior Ball last week. My son attended the Senior Ball and a post party (sleepover). I called the mother and had a nice conversation, about her thoughts/policy, for the evening. My son never knew about the call. There were no cars driven by teenagers to her home, as the bus/limo dropped the kids off at her house. There was no leaving the party and they had a couple parent chaperones. While not a small group, the numbers were reasonable. She would not provide any alcohol, but if someone had a beer/drink she was unable to police everyone. Every teenager needed to be picked up next morning (Mother's Day). From what I understand, everything worked out fine.

Just cut down the opportunities for mistakes: 1.Know the plan/house/players/rules. 2. State your rules and expectations and know they will probably be angry. 3. No car keys or access to cars, you can pick up your kids and deliver to any postparty. 4. No parties, without parental supervision !

Posted by Monte Vista parent
a resident of Alamo
on May 13, 2010 at 1:00 pm

P.S. Kudos to the other Monte Vista parent - Check your child's room/closet, backpacks from time to time. Check the car (you own and insur) and lock up all your alcohol at home. Check the text messages (phone you bought and pay for. When you leave town, make sure your garage and home are locked and secure, so you don't have any uninvited teenagers looking for a game of beer pong, hot tubbing or swimming, in your absence. Keep your eyes open for your teenager sneaking out, during the upcoming hot summer nights. We all love our kids and want them safe !

Posted by Todd
a resident of Danville
on May 13, 2010 at 6:39 pm

Call the parents, they will thank you. So much can go wrong, this age of tex messages there can be 200 kids there in one hour and many kids this host will not know. My friends kid had a small party that turned into 150 kids, things got stolen, and broken to the tune of $60,000. When kids get together, they make stupid decisions as a group and thats before you add drugs. These kids that have parties un supervised do not understand the risk they are exposing their parents too.
On top of all thats been said, I may be a jerk of a dad at times but I have random drug tests, my house is void of liquor (unhappy about that one) I talk to other parents about sleep overs, I make the kid interested in dating my daughter come in for a little chat and keep my eyes and ears open. You can tell when they are scamming.
I will share my favorite line with boys. I put my arm around them and tell them that what ever they do with my daughter tonight, I am going to do to them tomorrow. The ones that get it, are the ones to worry about.
Tell the parents, after all, if the tables were turned you would want someone to give you a heads up.

Posted by SRV Mom
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 14, 2010 at 7:16 am

I can't tell you how reassuring it is to read these posts. My husband and I were beginning to wonder if we were too strict and unreasonable. All of us act responsable with our kids and the kids that come to our home. My question is, how do we deal with the parents in our community who do supply the alcohol to the kids? Our kids may make the right choices but once these other kids who have been drinking get on the road, it becomes everyone's problem. It is surprising how many high school kids have been arrested for DUI's.
If alcohol is being served in a private home to minors, what can the police do about it? Are they able to enter a home if they suspect this? They don't have the man power to sit and wait for the kids to leave and stop them .

Posted by SRV Mom
a resident of Danville
on May 14, 2010 at 9:14 am

I am SOOOOO glad to see all these comments. Our kids tell us everyday this is just what kids do in Danville. My husband and I were also beginning to wonder if we were too strict and unreasonable. Reading all the comments now makes me feel were doing just fine. Were not the only ones. People need to start being parents not the kids best friend. This is not a popularity contest. This is parenting. I strongly feel it takes a village to raise our kids. Communicate with parents. Know what is going on. Talk to the kids. Listen to the kids. Set boundries. Have rules. Enforce the rules. Be the parent.....

Posted by John J
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 14, 2010 at 10:27 am

I couldn't agree more! Please don't assume anything. I understand your child has been taught to "Do the right thing" but the problem is many succome to peer pressure too easily! Know everything there is to know about where they are going. Sadly, do not assume just because an adult is persent that the adult will do the right thing. I know of several parties that occurred last week following the Every 15 Minutes program where alcohol was consumed while the adult was home!!

Love your children but be firm with your decisions!

Posted by Diane
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 14, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Ditto the comments above. I wanted to congratulate "anonymous" who started this thread as her son was open with her regarding the nature of the party. Many kids probably would have lied - I urge you to let your son know how much you appreciate his honesty.

So, what did you decide to do?

Posted by Marie
a resident of Danville
on May 14, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Todd: you sound like a great Dad! All dad's should scare the living (you know what) out of their daughter's boyfriends!

Posted by anonymous
a resident of Danville
on May 14, 2010 at 5:02 pm

I want to thank everyone for their comments, suggestions and stories. We always feel like we are the bad parents because we want to know the who what where why and how of our childrens lives. I can't tell you how many times my son has told me the other paents don't care if their kid drinks. From these responses, I can see that is not the case. I am glad the MV Senior Ball went off without a hitch and I hope tomorrows SRVHS Senior Ball does to.

Posted by SRV Mom
a resident of San Ramon Valley High School
on May 14, 2010 at 8:31 pm

So my question to the community is, what do we do to get these parents to stop providing alcohol to the kids?

Posted by SRV mom #2
a resident of Danville
on May 14, 2010 at 9:46 pm

I dont think we can stop the parents from providing alcohol or kids from obtaining it... It's been going on for "ever"... All we can do is set boundries, enforce our rules, communicate and listen to our children. Hopefully our/your child will listen and make the right choice. Great job anonymous for addressing this. Glad to see were not in this alone... Lots of us do care and dont allow our kids to drink and do drugs...

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