Michiko Scott was getting her neck massaged three years ago, when she quietly broke into tears. Face down on the massage table, as strong hands rubbed out the tension in her back, something awoke in her.
“I felt it in my body and spirit,” she said.
Scott had been seeing her massage therapist for weeks to cope with pain and stress from an abusive relationship. It was routine at that point for her boyfriend to degrade her verbally, shove, squeeze and hit her when things didn’t go his way. Back then, it was part of life for her.
As outwardly subtle as her breakdown was, her masseuse sensed something was wrong and asked about her life. Maybe it was the moment or the intimacy of physical touch – she’s not sure – but Scott confided in her masseuse. She told her everything.
“She asked me if I loved him and I thought about it,” Scott said. “I told her I didn’t, I just felt like I needed him.”
When Scott talks about the violent relationship that tainted her past, she doesn’t talk about the specifics – cuts, bruises and cruel words. She uses metaphors.
“I was stuck in a dark tunnel that I wanted to leave but I couldn’t,” she said. “I want women to know there is a way out.”
Despite the affluence of the Danville area, residents still struggle to find their way out of the same dark tunnel. Violence among families in upper class areas is a breed of crime all its own. While statistics show that domestic violence is less likely to occur in wealthy communities, local counselors, crisis line volunteers and law enforcement officers say it doesn’t necessarily happen less – it’s just reported less.
Victims in Danville often go to great extents to cover up violence within the family, said Usha Ramachandran, who counsels battered women through STAND!, a Concord-based nonprofit that aims to prevent domestic violence. She recalled that one woman in Danville seemed almost as concerned with her reputation as she was with her safety.
“She called needing a police officer’s help, but she told him to turn off his lights and be sure not to park in front of her house,” Ramachandran said.
Preserving status in the town is often the motivation for not reporting violence in the home, said Carol Hughes, who lives in Danville and volunteered on the crisis line for STAND! for a year. She said some residents in therapy fear that if people know their family issues, then their reputation and professional careers will be damaged.
“They keep it more hidden because they may be in a high position or their spouse is in a high position,” Hughes said.
This is part of the guilt and suppression that keeps the cycle of violence going, Ramachandran said. To make a dent in domestic violence, communities have to talk about it, educate young people and bust through those feelings of shame, she said.
Fifty-three calls and reports have been made to STAND! in Danville since January and six calls have been made in Alamo. Ten domestic violence related arrests have been made this year by the Danville Police Department, and 41 reports have been filed, including cases of spousal battery, rape and injury.
STAND! representatives, however, clearly note that numbers can be deceiving. Many domestic violence victims don’t report the incidents due to fear of the partner and of public acknowledgement.
In reviewing cases of domestic violence, Detective Neil Rafanan of the Danville Police Department, who has dealt with cases countywide, said the major difference between Danville and the rest of Contra Costa County is that residents are less likely to follow through with the prosecution.
“They don’t want to see their spouse go to jail,” Rafanan said.
Prosecution turns heads, and in upper class, tight-knit communities victims don’t want to draw attention to their difficult situations, Hughes said. Pressing charges transforms the abused into objects of pity – a role high powered professionals are not eager to take on.
“It’s not exactly living room conversation,” said Ramachandran, explaining why suburban families are often in denial about violence within the family.
But encouraging open dialogue and education are the keys to prevention, noted STAND! Representatives. It’s like cancer, Ramachandran said.
“Look how much progress the world has made with the disease, just from education and awareness,” she said.
Women in Danville may have more financial recourses to help them recover, but money can also complicate the problem. It may be easier for women to check themselves and their kids into a hotel or afford extensive therapy, but here residents often feel caught between both emotional and financial investments, counselors say.
“They always hesitate to close down an expensive house,” Hughes said.
When you have more, you have more to lose, she pointed out. The pressures to maintain the lifestyle while coping with family and relationship dysfunction can be a source of incredible stress.
“Add money into the picture and it gets a lot more complicated,” Scott said.
In abusive relationships, money can be used as a way to intimidate and gain power, said Ralph Hoffmann, Danville resident and STAND! volunteer. In working with victims from Danville, he said he has noticed that abusers frequently use money to maintain control over their spouse or intimate.
“A lot of times the abuser wants to be the sole person in charge of finances,” said Detective Rafanan, adding that the perpetrator will then use the funds to threaten and manipulate his or her partner.
In most local cases, it is men in these positions, but he said he encountered a case in which the woman had a very high paying job, her husband was unemployed, and he was nonetheless the abuser. In addition, Rafanan said that he’s come across cases in which women have beaten and injured their male partners.
Not all battered women are passive, and not all abusers show their contempt publicly, but there are some general signs to look for. For the victim, they include untreated injuries, social isolation, fear of conflict, personality changes around the abuser and a timid attitude. Abusers may show signs of extreme jealousy, frequently blame others for their problems, have mood swings, and use alcohol or drugs.
Being aware of the signs is vital in the prevention process, Detective Rafanan said.
“Each one of us can be a medium of change, you don’t have to be a social worker,” Ramachandran added.
For Scott, one compassionate masseuse was her medium for change. Finding a friend to talk with gave her the confidence to seek help. Through self exploration and counseling with STAND!, Scott was eventually able to leave her abusive relationship behind and focus on her kids and career.
Instead of pretending not to see, we can all offer compassion and openness, Scott said.
“We have to talk about it,” she said.
Violence in the family defies class, race, gender and religion. It blows though households from every walk of life. It happens in rundown apartments and it happens in multi-million-dollar houses.
“In Danville, it just looks different. The pain is the same,” Ramachandran said.
Contact writer Natalie O’Neill at noneill@danvilleweekly.com.
Call for help
* Victims of Domestic violence can contact the STAND! crisis line at (888) 215-5555
* Abusers seeking to end their violent patterns can call 676-2968
* Those interested in volunteering for STAND! can call 676-2845 for more information
Domestic Vilence reports in Danville 2003-2006
Battery-domestic2003: 29
2004: 18
2005: 27
2006: 14
total: 88
Disturbance-domestic
2003: 33
2004: 22
2005: 24
2006: 18
total: 97
Domestic violence-injury of spouse
2003: 4
2004: 13
2005: 10
2006: 5
total: 32
Rape-spouse
2003: 0
2004: 0
2005: 0
2006: 1
total: 1
Stalking
2003: 1
2004: 0
2005: 0
2006: 0
total: 1
Total of all reports: 230
