Most people won’t go on 100 first dates in an entire lifetime. Danville’s dating coach Jeannine Kaiser went on 100 in a year.
“It started out as a joke,” says Kaiser, a Danville resident who founded Dating IQ, a service that offers classes and tips to singles nationally.
Freshly single and out of an 11-year marriage, Kaiser toyed with the idea of dating as many men as possible – just for fun. But what started as a playful idea, turned into the most important social exercise of her life.
In the same way a sports coach has to learn to play the game before she can coach a successful team, her two-date-a-week stint taught Kaiser the “rules” of the dating game. In the end, she learned more about the pursuit of love than she did from her first marriage and organizational behavior degree combined.
“When I first started out, I knew more about what I didn’t want than what I did,” she says over a bowl of soup at Piatti Locali, a lively spot for singles in Danville.
“I got to the point where I could tell if I was interested or not in the first 10 minutes,” she says.
Having taught classes on flirting, dating and relationships locally, Kaiser knows the challenges faced by Danville singles. In this small community of busy professionals, finding a healthy yet vibrant place to meet people is tricky, singles say.
Back to the bars?
By and large, singles in Danville are 30-50 years old, have already been through a marriage, and are seeking a second chance at love, Kaiser said.“You do hear a lot about single divorced parents,” says single Danville resident Bonnie Glennon, who took Kaiser’s class.
For her, finding the right spot to meet new people is the toughest part of being single in Danville. When one has been married, has raised kids, and is working full time, the opportunities to meet people are limited.
As a result, many middle-age singles in suburbia end up returning to the bar or club scene – searching for a match.
“A lot of recently single people are entering the single world hoping to meet someone the way they did when they were younger, but it’s not the same,” Kaiser says, pointing out the low success rate of relationships that begin with a bar encounter.
Bars are great for getting back in the mode of meeting people, she says, but it doesn’t usually go much further than that.
The single scene
The “strip” on Hartz Avenue, which includes Elliott’s Bar and Meenar concert venue, are two of the most popular places where singles convene on weekends in Danville. Piatti Locali and The Crown British Pub and Restaurant and are also popular places to be Thursday nights for anyone hoping to set up a date for the weekend.But even with several nightlife options in the town, singles say they feel frustrated in this family-oriented community.
“The scene is just too small. You see the same people everywhere,” says Angelina Thomasetti, who says she’s had the most luck meeting men at the gym.
The chances of making a real connection with someone in an environment based around drinking is slim anyway, Kaiser says.
“Guys go out with the guys, and the girls go out with the girls, so you have cliques that you hope someone will penetrate,” she says.
The conversations at these venues rarely get beyond a surface “what’s-your-sign” conversation, Kaiser says, noting that people often make the mistake of drinking too much.
“People are drunk and not being themselves,” Thomasetti agrees, pointing out the flaws of meeting people through nightlife outings.
Still, others say friendly local watering holes are a great place to make friends and have good conversation. Sue Saunder, who frequents Piatti Locali, said the restaurant and bar is one of the few places where everyone is welcoming and friendly. She says she comes to Danville instead of clubs in Walnut Creek because it’s less phony and she’s more likely to run into friends.
Norbero Garcia, who manages the bar, said it’s even an unspoken part of his job to get people mingling.
“We help bring people together,” he says.
Meeting the old fashioned way
While the bar scene in Danville may be a great place for older singles to get back in the mode of meeting people, Kaiser says the best way to connect with someone is through a shared interest.Joining a local ski club or a writers group, a cooking class or a hiking group has helped Danville singles feel an immediate bond through common hobbies and passions, she said. And this is an especially good technique for those who feel that finding love on the Internet is too impersonal.
A recent search on match.com showed about 120 Danville residents used the site, posting information about their hobbies, relationship needs, and even incomes. But both young and old singles say they find Internet dating flawed in some ways.
“People don’t want to put their pictures up and be known as someone who is single and looking,” Glennon says.
Joining common interest groups can get you meeting people who share your relationship ideals, without having to post information about yourself in such a public space.
Love and money in Danville
Living in a small, wealthy community can actually make people more guarded when it comes to relationships, men and women singles in Danville say.At a recent trip to Elliott’s in Danville, a group of bar-goers said they find economic status plays a major role in the Danville singles scene. A middle-age male real estate agent, who asked that his name not be used, said he noticed the women he meets in Danville are usually after his wallet. He said women know successful men live here and they come to the bars with that idea in mind.
Glennon added that, as a successful real estate agent herself, she recognizes that well-off men and women do look for partners who can contribute the same amount financially.
From another female perspective, several women interviewed out on the “strip” said single men who live in Danville tend to be rich playboys who refuse to commit. They feel money plays a part in the men’s hesitation to marry.
These financial and personal barriers people set up may actually be distancing them from what they ultimately want – love and companionship, Kaiser said.
“You might be keeping yourself from someone who is really fun for you,” Glennon says.
It might be more simple than money issues, says John Guillen, a single father in Danville. Men in general just don’t feel as much of a drive to settle down, he says.
“Women have a biological clock,” he notes, chalking female frustration up to universal differences between the sexes.
The younger crowd
One great thing about the Danville singles scene is it doesn’t feel like a “meat market,” Thomasetti said, referring to night clubs where singles browse for one-night stands.For the small younger crowd of post-college age singles, many say they like Danville’s nightlife because the encounters are more genuine than in big cities.
“You meet people just the way you do at a grocery store,” said 23-year-old Corey Whelchel, who said he prefers the older crowds at Meenar in Danville.
For a younger guy who likes to date older women, Danville bars are perfect, he says. Whelchel, who prefers older women because he thinks they tend to be more intellectual and independent, has met several women he has dated at Meenar. And he unabashedly points out that Meenar is a great spot to find “cougars” – a slang term for 35-plus women who like to date younger men.
He and his friends, who are regulars at Meenar’s, say it’s as good a spot as any to make friends and meet potential girlfriends.
“We’re good people and we are here, so you have to believe that other people here are good, too,” Whelchel said.
On the other end of the spectrum, some young singles in Danville said they prefer to meet matches through faith groups and family, adding that it’s the best way to ensure you and your significant other will have similar values.
“We met at church and we’ve known each other for years,” says 22-year-old Brianna Tutino, who stopped into Elliott’s with her date for a glass of wine on a recent Friday night.
Tips from the pro
No matter how you meet the person you are involved with, there are some essential tips for singles in Danville to remember, Kaiser says. The most common problem Kaiser sees is that singles tend to try to compress the dating phase and the relationship phase.Dating is the process of deciding whether you are interested in someone, and the relationship phase is what comes after you are already sure you want to peruse something deeper. In her class she teaches that keeping the two phases separate is usually integral to finding someone with whom you are compatible.
She also teaches that it’s important to keep first dates short, limited to one glass of wine or one cup of coffee.
“Dating doesn’t have to be a Bataan Death March; it can be a fun, light, relaxed experience,” says Alex Pissalidis, a single father who is coached by Kaiser.
In addition, she says, be aware of the non-verbal signals you are sending when meeting people or dating. Crossed arms or legs may imply you are distant or uninterested, and skimpy or flashy clothes may send the message that you are “hunting” or overly interested. Kaiser also says to be sure to have a “back door” or a place you’re supposed to be after a first date – a smooth getaway if things go badly.
“You don’t want to set the precedent for eight-hour dates. You’ll take away all the intrigue,” she says.
Whether you are single and seeking or single and loving it, Kaiser says the most important thing is that in order to be successful in dating you must be happy and confident with yourself. Singles often go looking for someone else to fulfill them, but you have to already feel like a complete person, she says.
“With relationships, I always say two halves don’t make a whole – two wholes make a whole,” she says.
To find out more on Dating IQ or to attend a flirting IQ class Dec. 5, contact Jeannine Kaiser at 355-8081.
