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“I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for they are reckless beyond words. When I was young, we were taught to be discreet, respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient.”
The Greek poet Hesiod nailed it when he wrote that more than 2,000 years ago. Add to that parents who are spending more time at work, dealing with economic uncertainties and everything else they have to do, include the Internet, social media, academics, activities both inside and outside school and it’s no surprise that family time is shrinking, and as it shrinks, kids act out more and more.
That’s not even taking the holidays into consideration, which increases stress on families and cuts the amount of available time even more, according to Gabriel Welcher, who runs the Parent Project at John Muir Medical Center in Walnut Creek.
The Parent Project is offered periodically by the San Ramon Police Department and regularly by the John Muir Medical Center. Welcher teaches two versions of the Parent Project, one for teens and one for younger children.
He says he seen his classes more than double in size in the two-and-a-half years he’s been running the courses, going from 20 to more than 50, with parents from both Danville and San Ramon making the trip. Welcher says the project can even work for kids with ADD (attention deficit disorder) and ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).
There are things parents can do on their own, although all of them require an investment in the one thing that’s already in short supply: time.
Welcher said of the four factors that lead a kid down the wrong path, three of them require an investment of time. Those four factors are:
– Lack of supervision
– Lack of discipline
– Negative peer influence, and
– Lack of demonstrated love and affection
He said some things are as simple as making sure everyone eats at the same time, including kids both as a part of the conversation and involving them in the conversation or something as easy as asking a son or daughter how their day was when picking them up.
“What I recommend people do is actually just spending time with their children,” Welcher says. “A lot of the kids that I have worked with in the past say ‘My parents don’t spend any time with me.'”
It works both ways. Welcher points to a Kaiser Foundation study that says kids spend 44-and-a-half hour a week with media – everything from cell phones to computer games to watching TV – which, he says, “really takes time away from family time.”
While some parents use those as a baby sitter, Welcher says it makes sense to schedule some time for the whole family.
“Even if you’re watching a movie, you’re doing it together,” he says.
Some of the solutions are more complex, especially when families are split and both sides want to be a friend instead of a parent.
“There are some inconsistencies, too,” Welcher says. “We get a lot of families where one parent is doing one thing and the other is doing another thing.”
Those parents, he says, need to learn to work together.
“If a rule is worth making, it’s worth enforcing every time.” Welcher says. “You can’t control your child’s behavior. The only thing you can control are things (like access to a call phone, computer or car).”
He says parents need to learn not to repeat themselves.
“Your kids will nag or persistently argue and try to get their way a lot,” he says, explaining that a request should be done “no more than twice, then follow through with a consequence.”
“Parents can say ‘Regardless’ or ‘Never the less, this is why I said no, if you continue, there will be consequences,'” Welcher says.
Praising good behavior is another key, Welcher said, explaining many parents “focus on the negative things and lose track of the things (their kids) are doing better, doing positive and right.”
He said parents need to learn to take time – and time outs – for themselves.
“Part of what we teach in how to address a behavior is taking care of our emotions first,” Welcher said. He says 20 to 30 minutes to reign in emotions can play a large part in keeping family tensions from escalating.
Finally, he said, parents need to learn to take time for themselves, “doing those things that help you stay grounded – hanging out with relatives or friends, talking on the phone – anything that can help them stay kind of grounded.”
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