A dark cloud has descended over our household. At first, I attributed it to your raging hormones, Son … and your insatiable desire to spread your wings and be independent. But I think it is more complicated than that. In part, the cloud is dark because your Dad and I have been unwillingly inducted into the “Empty Nest Society.”
This is no social group like a garden club or yacht club – dues are paid, but from an emotional bank account. Initiation occurs, but it isn’t planned and the results can’t be anticipated. Meetings aren’t held weekly, monthly or quarterly – they happen every day and they certainly aren’t voluntary. There’s no manual that spells out any rules. Oh, there are members of the society that socialize together, but it’s probably more in the vein of Alcoholics Anonymous, whereby people join to deal with an issue, commiserate with each other, and get support from like-minded individuals. Membership means completion of the major steps in the job of raising children – and that isn’t always easy to accept.
You are leaving for college in a few months. Your dad and I have spent the last 18 years working tirelessly and diligently to raise a son who is responsible, treats people with fairness and compassion, makes sound decisions, is smart, and is independent – because we believed that it was our responsibility to release a good human being into society. We are finding ourselves at the end of what appears to be the largest part of that cycle … and we aren’t as ready to release you into the wild as we had hoped we’d be. So 18 years later, we are looking at the fruits of our labor, and we are proud – so proud – of the man that you are becoming, but at the same time kind of sad at the loss of our little boy. We want you to go away to college and experience all that it has to offer. We want you to live on your own and learn how to rely upon yourself more and on us less. We want you to grow up, get a great job, do great things, get married, have kids, and be happy and content with who you are. We just don’t quite know how to let go.
You see, as much as you are struggling right now with everything that is going on in your life – finishing high school, making college decisions, being in love, planning your summer, getting ready for college, dealing with the inevitable separation from your friends and family – Dad and I are struggling right along with you and carry our own issues to deal with. We love hanging out with you. We love the way you make us laugh. We love being your sounding board and your shoulder to cry on. We love experiencing your life with you. And while all of those things will be true forever and a day, it will be really difficult for Dad and me to not experience this on a daily basis – hence, the sadness that we feel and the reason why the dark cloud that has descended is affecting all of us. If we seem testy or grouchy at times, or unable to deal well with your emotional state, it isn’t because we can’t wait to get you out of the house – it’s because we wish that you didn’t have to leave.
People say when your first child leaves the nest, it can be a painful flight for Mom and Dad, but oftentimes the parents turn their energies to the next duckling to help ease the pain of loss. And then when the last one flies from the nest, there is yet a different mourning that happens; the parents are a little more savvy about the feelings of loss because they’ve been through that before, but now they are faced with the reality that it’s just Dad and Mom with no one else to care for on a daily basis besides each other. And heaven help those of us who had only one child … because we get to experience all of that at once. Let me say it hasn’t been easy, and I don’t expect it to get easier any time soon.
The good news for Dad and me is that we are not alone because we’ve joined the Empty Nest Society and accompany a fine group of people going through exactly what we are going through. When I get sad at the thought of you moving away, I think back to when I went away to college and how exciting and wonderful an experience it was. I think about how going home to see Mom and Dad was grounding and comforting. I think about all of the wonderful adulthood experiences that I’ve had. I think about how happy I am with the person that I became and that I am who I am because of all these experiences. I think about how for you to ultimately be happy with who you are, you will need to experience life on your own. And with that, I realize we’ll always have a great relationship, we three, and that we’ll all grow up just fine. Dad and I are happy with the fruits of our labor – you are a terrific kid and we love you.
We will always be here for you, Son. We’ll be here to help you with college. We’ll be here for you when you get homesick and need to reconnect with family. We’ll celebrate with you. As always, we’ll be your shoulder to cry on and whenever dark clouds descend over you, we’ll be your shelter. But if the dark clouds stay at bay or don’t enter the skyline at all, and the sun is shining brightly and your face is lifted to the sky basking in all of its glory, then Dad and I will be there to bask right along with you as proud members of the Empty Nest Society.
Lisa Maryott Foss is a Danville resident and the mother of a graduating San Ramon Valley High School senior.
